Yucky Mucky

One of my early posts was all googlyboogly about telling the truth, like it was No. Big. Deal.  In Nia we talk of the 5 levels of truth telling…

Truth –

To myself about myself

To myself about another

To another about myself

To that other about another

To everyone about anything


Today’s truth to another about myself is difficult for me to share.  I am feeling depressed, unmotivated and like nothing will ever change.  Even as I write these feelings, I feel absurdly self absorbed and immediately want to say all my gratitudes in machinegun fashion.  But no matter what I’ve done this morning – dance breaks (the one/two punch of music AND movement), connections with others, walk in nature, hydration, inspirational readings, play with the dogs – I still feel stuck, depressed and like why in the world should I even attempt to write anything for you today.

So I decided to write about exactly where I am – feeling totally f**ked.

I don’t do well with physical injury.  Or cold.  Or sugar.  Or inactivity.  And I’ve had a longer than normal and “other” induced exposure to all of the above (well, the sugar was self induced, truth be told).  And by writing the truth to you, I feel a slight obligation to take action to see if I can move out of this emotional muck.  Which only makes me start crying – poor me, guilt that I can’t walk the dogs properly, guilt about the mac and cheese when I can’t burn it off with my regular form of exercise, guilt that I can’t be a happy role model in this moment or just fake it ‘til I make it… blah, blah, blah – boring infinitum pity party.

I was slightly inspired by one of last week’s DailyGood.com – Animator for Pixar, Bernard Haux talks to Leo Babauta about 8 habits of creatives.  One of them is tenacity – he talks about a friend who drew a picture everyday for three years.  Tenacity, perseverance, practice – whatever you want to call it – that’s what helps us become expert.  Haux shared “Looney Toons legendary animator Chuck Jones’ assertion that you have to draw 100,000 bad drawings before you have a good drawing.”

Ok, so another week in a row I’ve put words in space.

Thank you for your patience while I deliver a less than stellar post on my journey of tenacity and truth.  I’d love to read about how you flex your tenacity muscles especially when you find yourself off your peak.

murky love and stagnant hugs,

The Desire Map

Super sexy badass Canadian, Danielle LaPorte has been on the periphery of my radar for a while.  With all the email, self-discovery, gotta get better, gotta have new ideas melee that happens in my world, I’ve resisted signing up for any of her stuff and trusted that my intimates that are signed up will send me what calls to them.

Un. til. now.

I downloaded a freebie excerpt from her book The Desire Map earlier this year – I thought the concept was groundbreaking.  LaPorte’s Desire Map is a whole new (to me anyway) concept in “goal setting.”  I heard her say something this morning (:50 mark) – “the journey has to feel the way you want the destination to feel.”   Well, of course!

The plot of Desire Mapping is to set goals based on how you want to feel, more than on how much you want to have/be/do.  Then make decisions, every day, moment to moment, that align you with what LaPorte calls your “Core Desired Feelings.”

This makes SO much sense to me (even though I haven’t read the book).  She claims what we are really chasing is the feelings we want, not the stuff we want.  While I haven’t been practicing this consciously, I think it’s a concisely mapped description of how I’d prefer to be living my life.  For example:  I hurt my foot at Wai‘anapanapa State Park last week and it is still very tender.  Last night I was interested in a holiday party a friend throws every year.  About an hour before the party, I realized that I really wanted to continue to help my foot feel better and sent my regrets.   While this seems like a physical feeling (which i normally label sensation), I also felt calmer and proud of myself for having my own back on my personal self care.  I trusted my gut, I chose healing as a priority and my foot feels even better this morning.

For the first time in years I’m actually quite excited to play with wants/resolutions/goals/intention.  LaPorte calls them Goals with Soul – maybe my word for 2014 will be “feel.”

I’d love to read about your experience with how you get what you want from your life. 🙂  Please share in the comments or feel free to email mail me directly.

big hugs and heart felt love,

Mastery – Simplicity

I read a piece of a post from a Pilates teacher that I follow and admire.  She said something to the effect of “if you can’t explain in three short sentences or less, you don’t really know what you’re talking about.” This was so intriguing to me – a MASSIVE talker – that I stopped reading that moment and began to contemplate how I instruct, how I answer questions and how much can I respond fully in three sentences or less.  I haven’t reread the post in case I misunderstood her meaning – I’m enjoying the intrigue too much.

I process verbally (though I learn through multiple modalities – primarily reading, watching, practicing).  As early as first or second grade I was getting conduct letters that I talked too much in school.  Every job (until I got into the people business) was the same, performance reviews stating I was distracting other workers by chatting (and that I got all of my work done ahead of schedule… I can’t help it if I over achieve in order to socialize).

If you do a session with me, many times before I make a correction I’ll be asking you to make some small adjustments.  Pilates is already a thousand things happening at once, then I want you to have the most benefit, so I’ll ask you for even more.

Can I express my expertise in three sentences or less?  Her example was about the Pilates “Hundred.”  If anyone asks me why we pump the arms, I might give an answer specific to why that person has come for sessions.  I will also likely ramble, repeating some phrases until I express, verbally, the most succinct yet fully formed answer.  Her answer was this:  The rapid, big movement of the arms challenges your ability to stabilize your torso and outstretched legs and revs up your cardio-vascular system.  You can read the whole post here.  Simple, elegant, efficient and right on.

I look forward to evolving.

Big hugs and three short sentences of love,

Travel Anxiety

We are traveling this week to Maui, Hawaii.  It’s the first time for me and it feels exotic – I have to keep reminding myself that we will still be in the US.  On the other hand, it also makes me slightly sick to my stomach.  Everyone who knows we are going keeps asking “are you excited?” or saying how jealous they are.  But honestly, traveling makes me anxious.

In the spirit of transparency anticipating a trip makes me anxious.  Doesn’t matter what kind of travel it is (family, work or pleasure), just the thought of leaving my home overnight seems to amp up my anxiety meter.  Doesn’t matter that I’ve had remarkable experiences sleeping over somewhere else for a weekend or a year, I always have moments of “I’d rather stay home.”

What the heck is that about?

Besides the obvious answer (the unknown), “sleep overs” also seem like a lot of work – figuring out the dogs, the mail, the substitute teachers for my classes, rearranging clients (when possible), making reservations, choosing the “right” excursions and so on and so forth ad nauseum.

I have way less anxiety if someone else is making most of the decisions and I can simply be the great travel companion – because once we are underway, I’m ALL. OVER. IT.

Once I fill the gas tank, stow my carry on, hit the gangway – THAT’s when I start to get excited.  But the prep needed to make it to the transport is ALWAYS filled with some level of anxiety – even when I’ve made a trip hundreds of times.

The good news is – somehow I get through the anxiety.  This week my coping mechanisms have been overindulging in leftover Holiday fare, playing a few too many computer games and listening to Jack Reacher novels on CD almost non-stop.  Oh, and making a list and checking things off (like this post).  🙂  Once I start checking things off – I feel better, more capable, less stressed.  Then the door of excitement has a chance to open.

I’d love to read about your lead up to travel – are you excited beyond measure? Do you have slight anxiety?  Are you the person so laid back that maybe you almost miss your flight? Or so busy you can’t even think, you just go go go?  Please share 😀


Big love and anxiety-free hugs, j